She was obsessed with this ghost of hers.
Constantly she thought of him..yearning…aching to feel his touch once more. Every night, every morning, and throughout the day he was there in her thoughts invading her brain like a beautiful yet dangerous sickness of which there was no cure. She had kicked herself over and over again for falling so fast, so deeply, so hard for this type of thing – it didn’t exist in the real world – no, this was the stuff of fairy tales and she was smarter than that. This would surely prove once again to be a painful descent into heartbreak.
And yet, here she was…helpless for the time being. She had gone and done it – fallen. Without warning, without thinking, she allowed herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, he was the One. Maybe her dreams of being completely happy would finally come true. She believed she could spend the rest of her days with the one who was absolutely true… real…who would love her as much as anyone could possibly be loved, as much as she would love him.
But…Was he only a dream? A figment of her imagination? A little girl’s fairy tale fantasy of being rescued from the dragons and living happily ever after?
Where was he?
From the start he was essentially her “ghost”. An unexpected mysterious messenger from out of nowhere who seemed to good to be true. A being who she couldn’t yet touch, but she could definitely “feel”. His every word resonating deeply within her mind, deftly maneuvering through the numerous barricades she had against this type of thing. He was able to get inside her head and allow for the warmth she so desperately needed to feel. He could melt the icy cold depths of her heart previously frozen by sadness and cruelty. He was a voice heard only once which had somehow unlocked a deep desire inside her soul.
Once for a short time, he was made real to her and this brief encounter solidified her feelings, her need, and fueled her addiction for him. Never before in her life had a being so completely fulfilled every single nuance of what she had wanted. Every touch, every kiss, every word echoing down into the core of her being and for those short hours, everything in her world finally seemed to be “right”. She felt as though nothing would ever, could ever, hurt her again. It was also in these moments that she knew, if given the chance, there would be nothing that she wouldn’t do for him
Yes, somehow she had definitely fallen, and there was no way to escape it.
But now he is gone once again, this ghost of hers, and she is back to the waiting game. Anticipating each new message, agonizing over each passing day without him..longing for the feel of his touch. She has so much faith in him yet she cannot comprehend why…it is something she feels deeply in her gut that he is worthy of all that faith, trust, and more. She clings tightly to the hope that this wasn’t just a dream, a cruel tease of what could be..After all, it’s all she really has at this point – Hope.
Does she continue this irrational notion of a dream possibly come true? Does she truly believe there could ever be anything more than what there is now – words- and an increasing loneliness? Will the tiny self-defeating thought that eventually the “other shoe will drop” reveal itself to be truth?…Does she give up once and for all, rebuild that wall stronger than before, and ensure that No One gets through this time?….
It seems she should have known better…sometimes the loudest sound of all is silence, sometimes the words which hurt the most are the ones never spoken. What kind of cruel sorcery brought him to her only to have him disappear just as suddenly?
No explanation, no hint given: just vanished…a simple “goodbye” would have been so much less cruel.
The worst part……..she STILL hopes one day he’ll come back, she STILL wants her ghost to one day be real again.